There are many ways to get divorced: using the litigation process (with lawyers in court), mediation and collaborative process (with lawyers out of court). Most people just chose the option that they know (litigation), without regard to the consequences on the family and finances, thinking they will have their day in court. Or, some people in trusting relationships chose mediation in an effort to save money. Collaborative Process, a newer approach may seem more costly since it involves the addition of a financial neutral and family specialist. It is not more expensive and often less so. The neutrals save money as there is no duplication of attorney effort to put together a financial plan or parenting arrangement. The process is able to have a smoother course. With Collaborative, each client has her or his own attorney and the entire professional team works to craft a settlement agreement that meets their collective needs. Voices and concerns are heard and addressed, something not present with litigation.
I started working with some affluent clients who were married for a long time with two grown children, one in college, the other having completed college. They came to me to work out a financial agreement. At our initial meeting, they were both crying, they loved each other, only wanted the best for each other, didn’t want to disrupt the family dynamics but didn’t want to stay married any longer. At the time, they were living in separate residences, across the street from one another. They were only interested in financial mediation, no matter how I felt that Collaborative was their best option to move forward. During the separation before the litigation got started, they would often go together to have dinner out with mutual friends, or drinks, despite each person now having another companion in their lives.
We worked together to get the initial financial picture, assets, liabilities, post divorce budgets. I had suggested that they each get review/consulting attorney’s, familiar with nonadversarial negotiations, giving them an extensive list of attorney’s to choose from who were trained to
handle a collaborative settlement. Instead, the wife chose an attorney that said she could work “collaboratively,” and then the husband did the same.
The very first meeting of the attorneys and both the clients involved not one attorney for each person, but two. So, rather than saving money on a collaborated settlement and working in the best interests of the “family,” the dollars were starting to add up. The clients lost control of their own divorce processs. Rather than working “collaboratively,” it became adversarial. Their adult children became involved in the crossfire. Prior to these attorneys coming into the picture, the couple had a “dissolving” partnership but with affection and concern for one another. Now, their relationship has turned ugly. This situation could have been averted in a Collaborative Process with a Mental Health professional to help them work through their anxiety and a financial neutral to address future planning.
What seems at first a less expensive approach, can often be more expensive, not just in dollars but in the loss and destruction of the family. How comfortable are they going to be at their son’s college graduation or any other family milestones? The case is still ongoing, and with the eventual conclusion, both parents and their children will have “lost” in my opinion